*only the names were changed
Two days ago, I had a talk with Will asking him what he wanted. Does he want to continue or call it quits. He said he was unhappy in the marriage and didn't see us ever getting along. That he didn't love me and that I didn't love him. I told him that I love him but am so hurt by him that those emotions are always at the surface, that he is not plugged into the relationship and I feel completely alone in the marriage.
He said we are going to sign a lease in Ottawa for a year so we are "stuck" together for another year at least. I told him that stuck is not an attitude to fix anything. that we need help etc.. he agreed to try to plug back in and that we should focus on being nice to each other so we can build a friendship. I agreed and committed to that.
Then the next night, we spoke some more since he sent a pretty flirty email to Julia, his childhood crush. He didn't know that I read the email and he lied about it quite a bit. Our conversation lead to us trying to explain where we think things went wrong and what is keeping things in the ditch.
All he could say was that I was critical and he never can do anything right so he doesn't bother. I explained how from the beginning, he put a wall up when I would go work in my hometown during the week during the summer. That after, he was in a depression for 5 years and refused to help me with the household chores, the children, anything financial and anything relational.
He said that I became critical then, he unplugged then and He said that I keep holding on to
the past. I told him that I was just 19 trying to handle all these things by myself and not being loved through it all. That on top of that, the past is not the past, its the present. All these same problems are still alive. He still doesn't help much, or isn't loving. its worse now because he excludes me from major decisions etc...
He told me that his mother has issues that she projects on others and doesn't let things go and implied that I did the same.
I gave him an example of how I feel. I said that I feel like from the beginning, I am on one side of a door and he is on the other, that I knocked letting him know that I wanted him to open the door so that I could be with him and that I could eat of the bread he had inside. That my knock and gentle probing turned into a more insistant knock, then pounding and yelling and begging and still, the door was closed, that my hunger became famine and that this is why my past is still my present, that its all the
same.
I told him that I believe he keeps the door closed because he is thinking of himself in the sense that he doesn't want to open the door and have to deal with the "monster" that he imagines on the other side instead of focusing on the screams for hunger and opening the door for the other person.
He was silent for a bit. Then laughed. I thought for sure that he was laughing because my example had really hit the nail, that he really understood how I was feeling. To my shock and deflation, he told me: See, there you go again, criticizing me. Telling me what I should be doing or feeling.
I told him that he tells me I have issues and project it onto others (as if all I feel and think is my fault, my problem, nothing I ever think or say has any merit, I must just be crazy, at least he thinks so, cause he never agrees with me or works on changing anything).
He criticizes me litteraly and I am always made to feel that whatever I say is wrong, its critical. I told him now I just feel like shutting up. I said that its not normal that I use the most basic and open hearted example and that it gets turned on me. That communication is two parts, delivery and reception. That I think the problem is with his reception, he sees criticism in everything, always. Then we were silent or a bit and I cried to myself for a while.
He then said that we should establish a pattern to try to get our relationship back on track. He asked me what i would need from him. I said excitement. Excitement to see me, hug me, send me an email...etc..He told me that what he would need from me was sex every day. That he no longer needs me to want him. That he just needs me to offer sex every day, sex with no strings, not attached to any negativity and not brought back up later.
He said that I should just think of it as a job if it would help me, that I like jobs. He said that he would need me to get him hard and either have sex, hand job or blow job every day. I was so disgusted and hurt. I told him that when I bring up sex, it is not to attach negativity to it or to throw it in his face, that it is to show with examples how i try to meet his needs when I am trying to convince him to even consider meeting mine.
I told him that guys usually give love to get sex and girls give sex to get love but that its sad when she still doesn't end up getting love for it. I mechanically took my clothes off and did what he wanted as I reluctantly caressed his back and kissed his neck. I felt dirty, lost, more unloved than ever. I cleaned myself up and tried to sleep while my tears leaked out. He tried to cuddle behind me while he was dozing off. I felt like an unpaid prostitute.
The next day, he went about his business as usual. Didn't hold up his part of the bargain. Didn't have time for me until 11:00 at night. Only got off the computer around 9:30 then watched the rest of the movie with Sylvia and I as he still sat at the computer desk, then went to read his bible until 11:00.
He didn't talk to me much that day, came upstairs to eat when I prepared meals. Scooted in and out of the house as he needed, was on the phone or computer rest of the time, sending little emails or websurfing, etc.
That night (last night), I prayed before he came in, asking God to have mercy on me and save me from this torture. Will came and laid down, I put on my job mentality and took his underwear off, got him hard as my tears were running down my face (he didn't know), pulled him on top of me as my tears were running down my face, waited a long time for him to get what he needed as I prayed over and over, Lord have mercy on me, lord have mercy on me. My body was performing but my mind was suffering.
When he was done, he rubbed my back and body. I laid there motionless waiting for the green light to go clean myself up. Thinking how bad life is and how I hope i can teach my daughter better. How on one hand I want to obey God and do my best to make the marriage work even though I really don't want to be in it anymore because of Will stripping me of all my worth. But what kept going through my mind at that point was I gotta get out but how...?
I have a job that starts in two weeks, I wouldn't be able to afford the rent on my own, the lease is for one year, who would watch the baby? I cried for a while when I came back to bed as I heard him doze off. At one point, he noticed I was still awake and asked me if I was ok. I said yes, because what's the point, he never understands anyways and doesn't want me to attach negativity to sex.
He asked if he did anything wrong that day or that night, I said no to each. He asked if he could do anything differently right now. I said no. he asked if a hug would help, I said sure. He gave me a hug. Didn't fix anything though. How can one want to receive caring from the person who hurts them..a hug doesn't make up for everything, especially not when you are still crying from the hurt. He turned around, backed his body up so it would touch mine and fell asleep.
Please people don't judge me, I am trying my best to figure things out and navigate through this mess being governed by my values, my personal drive, my love for my daughter, my fear for the future, my uncertainties for the immediate future...
God please help, am I not like Leah or Abigail? do you not see? Do you not hear? Do you not know? Do you not want to deliver me? Where are you? I need to be delivered...! How can this "christian" man be so ungodly and my ex, the atheiste, be so godly towards me. I am shredded, my pieces are too many to count, can you make something out of this mess....how come its a mess, I listened to you and your ways, i tried with a completely open and honest, willing heart. Why!!?? Why??!! Who will give me an answer, who will give me a solution? I am sad.
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