I understood early on in life that my future in Christ would seriously hinge upon the man I would marry. I sincerely wanted to find someone that would be in agreement with me on God's will and his ways so that we would accomplish much for God and raise God fearing children. I remember praying for this as early as twelve years of age, praying for my husband who was most likely already making his way through life and asking in all sincerity for God to help me become the best wife to walk the earth after Sarah.
I thought that as long as I followed God unwaveringly, I would avoid trouble and enter smoothly into his blessings and promises for me. But in reality, nowhere in the Bible do people usually achieve God's promises without first facing refining trials and tribulations. When the Israelites finally arrived to the land God had promised them, it was full of giants. It was not going to be a walk in the park for them and neither would it be for me. They would have to fight for it and so would I.
I was now 20 and had received a clear sign that I was to marry Will but was struggling to adjust to life with Will who was increasingly showing signs of disengagement and lack of love. At the very beginning of our relationship, he fell into a depression because his start up company had failed. He had no money to pay for rent nor to care for his children. He drifted into his own little world and I felt the need to take everything on my shoulders especially because of the children.
By then, I had returned from a summer job in my hometown to pursue my fourth year of university. I had found a dorm apartment but decided last minute to move in with Will and the children instead because I was always there anyways and it would allow me to pay for the cost of living and care for the children and Will until Will could get back on his feet.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and life only got worse. I was studying Chemistry and Physics full time, coming home at lunch and supper time to cook and care for the children, did all the cleaning, all the baths, all the raising of the children and paid all the bills with my student loans, bursaries and income obtained from my summer job with the exception of rent. Rent was $1500 per month and Will was promising the landlord that he would pay later.
Life was unfair and difficult and I was increasingly upset with Will for not caring enough for me to help especially because I was carrying him and his baggage, not my own. I tried speaking to him about various issues but to no avail. Speaking turned to shouting, to crying, to begging, to threatening to leave, etc...
Nothing moved him. He felt no remorse or understanding for what I was going through and how heavy a burden he was leaving for me to carry alone. He just slept and took most of his day and night to live for himself. The odd time he did help, he acted like a bitter rebellious teen upset with his mom and all he did was done with minimal effort or half assed as one would say. If I dared voice this, he would become enraged and would call me critical and vow to never help again since he could never please me.
I often considered ending things, but everytime I did, I would get called to the front of the church by the pastor or Will's mom and would receive "prophecies" that stated "Yes, He is to be your husband. Stop doubting and trust me". So I would plug back in and remind myself to stop looking at the storm. God knew best and I just had to put one foot in front of the other and work at pleasing God in the little things even in the midst of adversity. Afterall, its nothing special to only serve faithfully when life is easy.
At one point, Will expressed that he felt sex would resolve our issues because then he would feel connected to me and it would be easier for him to be loving. He proposed that we make a vow in front of God and that would count as marriage since society invented marriage ceremonies not God. I did not feel comfortable with that because the Bible said to obey the law of the land. To appease Will's frustration, I found the quickest date available in the summer for us to marry. I mentioned it to him. He agreed since he too felt that there was no point in delaying further what we both believed to be God's will. It was very mechanical. He picked out a ring but I had to pay for it. And a few months later we married. By then three years had passed, Will had lost custody of his children and had still not had a job.
We were supposed to have an outdoor wedding but it rained. We took our vows in the reception hall and the very instant I said I do, the loudest thunder from heaven anyone has ever heard ripped across the room and startled everyone. I spent the night dancing or posing for the wedding photographer. Will danced a few times but was nowhere to be found most of the night. At one point, I learned that he had left and went to the hotel room without me. I waited for my guests to leave and quickly went to see him.
He had opened all the cards and was laying in bed. He showed no interest to have sex. I tried to initiate but he proceeded so reluctantly. He did not kiss or caress me. He was upset that I wanted to try it in the hot tub first since I had heard it would be less painful. He stated that I was direspecting him by trying to always have my way. It became complicated in the water so we moved to the bed. He simply climbed on upset and slowly pushed in. Being nervous and it being my first time and not being loved in the moment made it painful but I expected pain. I thought he would have understood that. Instead, he was upset that it wasn't fun for him, his hopes of "great sex'' making up for everything he was suffering had come crashing down. He finished, climbed off upset and went to sleep.
I felt like he had officially rejected me in full from that day on and he admitted to it later on. I tried hard to mask my pain after that and imitate enjoyment to appease his frustration in an attempt to not be rejected. Nothing seemed to appease him. He was not interested in pleasing me or helping me through the pain, he wanted new positions oon after the wedding according to which ones felt better for him and expressed strongly and often that I robbed him of the ego boost he used to get through sex and that now, we were officially not compatible on anything.
Soon after our wedding, we moved to Ottawa as Will wanted to move to a big city to find work. I had a job transfer and he had lined up some work in construction. A few weeks after arriving, he no longer was working and was deeper than ever in his depression. I no longer had the children to distract me or to have a relationship with so life was extra dry for me. I worked all day and came home to a mess and I couldn't persuad him to help or care and bills were multiplying as my salary alone could not pay for the high cost of living in the capital city.
At first, I would tell him as soon as something bothered me. I tried using facts, reasoning, biblical verses, attempts to draw on any empathy he might have. I used grown up conversations, shouting, crying, demanding fairness, etc. Eventually, I learned to keep it all in for a few months before I would burst out crying telling Will how I felt neglected and drained but, he was never moved by my tears. Instead, he would resent me more and turn away from me more.
I then moved on to give him the silent treatment instead but would remind myself that he was not interested in making things work so if I didn't just move on, we would surely end up divorced. So, with time, I learned to focus on being pleasing to God and draw a reward from that and simply cry at night while he slept so that I wouldn't get a backlash from it later on. I had two options..deal with things the way my flesh wanted to or deal with things the way God commanded to in his Word. The more I died to myself, the stronger I grew in Christ. I had my bad days where I let the flesh win, but would eventually repent. Overall, I was being refined by the increasingly burning fire. What was meant to destroy me was making me stronger because of how I was choosing to deal with it.
With time, I learned to keep quiet on most issues but remain pleasant in the relationship and kept taking more and more of the responsibilities on my back because it was pointless to go to him for anything. I initiated sex virtually every time. He would continue taking what he wanted from it and eventually told me to ''take care of myself'' since he didn't want to. I got better and better at keeping it all inside telling myself that God was in control so I would just do what was right and not give Will any reason to fault me or justify a divorce and God would fix the rest.
Two years had passed since our arrival in Ottawa and we were no further ahead. During this time, Will ended up obtaining a job as a youth pastor for a local presbytarian church. For the first time, I was able to count on a steady paycheck. That lasted 6 months. Will was fired for rebelling against the church authority. He felt he was fired for doing God's will in a church that resisted God.
After this, Will had taken a few private construction jobs but would never get paid in full. He claimed the clients were all crazy. All the clients claimed his work was poor. He would use my credit cards to buy the material but then would not get fully paid for the job so we were taking a loss on every job he took. Will decided that buying a fixer upper and selling it would allow him to earn income and avoid the hassle of unsatisfied clients.
I had $18K left from the $80K that I had received from two car accident payouts after using it to pay for the cost of living for the past few years that my salary alone could not meet. I used this money to pay off all the debt that was racked up from the construction jobs and the rest for a downpayment and we bought a townhouse in a rougher neighbourhood. I used my credit cards and new ones to fund the renovations and Will would then get a job to pay for them if we could not sell quickly.
To make matters worse, he was being charged by Revenue Canada for financial fraud and had the option to fight an $80K fine or plead guilty and pay a lesser fine of $20K. I was maxed out and didn't know where to turn. I had to come up with $20K or a warrant would be issued for my husbands arrest. I went to my bank and by pure miracle, explained my situation and as they opened my file on the system, they stated that I was already pre-approved for a $20K line of credit. What a relief. I paid the fine and now had a new $600 bill to pay every month.
Due to us having considerable bills, he obtained another job installing equipment on dairy farms. He worked there a little over 6 months again but then quit as he felt led to read the Bible and pray for 8 hours a day and learn to multiply milk. This put all the financial burden back on my shoulders but at least he was being nicer to me so to me it was more than worth.
He did this for nearly one year but the finances became overwhelming. I applied for a high interest home equity loan and used this to pay off our credit cards and lines of credits. This added another monthly bill to all that I already had to pay but it offered a bit of a breather. This was very short lived because Will was approached to renovate 4 neighbouring town houses and he used the credit cards and lines of credit to fund the repairs. Luckily he received full payment and we were able to clear the cards including the 20K line of credit and use the remaining money to fund 3/4 of Will's $73K university program.
Will decided that he should build a duplex with his father in another province nearly 12 hours away as an investment for our retirement. He went down to frame the unit and then returned home. He used our credit cards and lines of credit to fund our half of the project. His plan was to take out a mortgage on the property once it was completed and pay off the newly accumulated debt that way as well as part of his remaining tuition.
Will had finally broken free from his depression. Things were going well for him in life so he was treating me much better. We had a few solid months of laughter and building. By then I was 27 and thought it would be a good time to have a baby. Things were better between us and divorce was not an option no matter what in my mind. I figured if we are going to stay together forever then we shouldn't wait until everything is perfect to have children otherwise we will never have any.
A few months after we both agreed, I became pregnant. Will was in the middle of his 15 month university program and the future seemed promising. But then, things took a turn for the worse. The duplex was complete and instead of paying the construction debt with the $90K mortgage, Will decided to buy 3 acres of land and delapitated house combo in a run down city.
His plan was to subdivide it and sell part of it off and use the rest to build apartments but that never materialized. Its been 3 years and we are stuck with the vacant properties and I am still carrying the debt on my own with the exception of two months this year where he made the payments. The pressures of life had risen again and Will sunk into bitterness and stopped engaging in the relationship once again.
Instead, he plunged into a new business that he wanted to be successful at. As things seemed to move forward with the company, he seemed to distance himself more and more from me. After using up what little resources I had left, he shut me out of the inner circle of the company and refused to give me shares to what was supposed to be "our" company.
This prompted a serious conversation about divorce. He brought it up often and I would tell him that when there is not option for divorce, people make it work. That there should be no option for us since we knew for sure that God had called us together and that we should just make it work by each working to line up to God's word and focus on meeting each others needs. He expressed needing sex every day. I expressed needing love.
He stated that to kick start the cycle he needed me to get him hard and get him off every day. He stated that he didn't need me to want him anymore and that if it helped, I should consider it like a job since he knew how much I liked being successful. I told him I needed excitement..excitement to see me, excitement to touch me, excitement to talk to me, to kiss me, etc. He said he would work on it but never did once. I committed to doing what he asked for and accomplished it faithfully for the next two years.
When I initially started performing on demand, I felt like an unpaid prostitute and at the lowest I had ever felt. I just felt so abused that I didn't care anymore about remaining in the perfect will of God. I just wanted a little bit of love or rest. In addition, I had been in contact with my first boyfriend due to the sudden passing of his mother who was my dear friend.
As life would have it, he was still in love with me and his family wanted to welcome me back in with warm and loving arms. Quite the opposite of Will's "christian" family who had always been harsh and judgmental with me. All this shook the feelings that were still within me for him and specifically reminded me of how good it felt to be loved.
My husband was on a three week trip across the USA to meet various service providers in an attempt to set up our company. He would call every few days for a minute or two max. He made me feel rejected and worthless. I wanted to give up. I was done. How could he hate me so much while my ex and his family made me feel like the rare and precious woman that I felt I was.
I spoke to my pastor and his wife about all of this and was prepared to move towards divorce. They asked me to remain open to making the marriage work and that they would have a sit down chat with Will and I to assist. Although I didn't want to suffer anymore, I still couldn't allow myself to just turn my back willingly on God.
We ended up having that talk with the Pastor and his wife and for the first time ever, I saw a slight awakening in Will. He started putting effort and being kind. I responded with extreme appreciation to try to encourage him to continue. I was so happy. Finally after all these years, when I was just about ready to give up, God had made a way. For six whole months things continued to improve. We were happy to see each other and Will actually talked with me. We were teasing each other again, laughing, going on dates and I was so relieved.
I spoke to Will about having another child. Our eldest was now 15 months old and I didn't want her to be an only child. I mentioned that having them close together would allow them to grow up together and having that one year off would allow me to watch the children so he could focus fully on the business. He agreed and a month or so after I became pregnant.
We had a wonderful christmas together and life was still getting better every day until Will's sister came to visit. Will hadn't followed on of the condo rules around visitor parking which caused a fight between one of our neighbours and us. This in turn caused a fight between Will and I because he was upset that I told the lady to stop gossiping loudly about us to all our neighbours. I was upset because yet again he rebelled against a rule and caused problems. On the way to work, we both raised our voices and then Will screamed louder than I ever heard him or anyone scream. He screamed: "Zip it!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I immediately sealed my lips, fixed my make up and went to work.
From that moment on, nothing was the same. He disengaged from the relationship again. I was working full time, taking care of our eldest as soon as I arrived from work, did all the cleaning, grocery shopping, meal preparation all while being pregnant. He sat on the sofa and spent time on the computer or watching TV. I served him his meals on the sofa many times.
Everynight, I would fall asleep on the floor in my daughter's room while putting her to bed, go to my bed around 9pm and sleep until Will arrived around 11:30pm. At that point, I would wake up and massage him for a while and then initiate sex as per my commitment even if I had been ignored all day and was exhausted from all I had to do while pregnant. I never did it coldly or with an attitude. I applied myself to make it a positive and good experience otherwise it would have rendered my sacrifice ineffective.
When I was nearly 8 months pregnant, Will announced that he needed to go to africa for two weeks to try to close a deal for the buiness. I had to take time off of work to watch our eldest so I ended up flying to my hometown to spend that time with my family. Will called three days later to tell me all about his trip so far and how he met a woman that would bring him hiking in Kenya the following weekend. It was a great 25 minute call. I was hopeful that things would become better.
However, the next time I spoke to him was 7 days later after his weekend excursion with the woman he had previously mentioned. He had been doing some things that were less than Godly and I will explain later what they were. I was upset that there was no way for me to reach him and that he didn't care enough to call even for a few minutes every day especially since I was pregnant. He was upset at me for crying over the issue and he totally unplugged again.
He returned from Africa and began speaking of eventual separation. I decided that no matter what, I was not going to give him anymore reason to find fault in me. No more crying whatsoever. No more expressing when I was hurt or sad. No more trying to make him see my side of things. No exceptions. I adopted the attitude of a servant in an old testament kingdom. I even began to stand in a way that reflected the reverencing of a king.
I got so good at it that he even commented on it. He stated that he had wanted to be divorced from me for years but now, he was struggling because I was treating him perfectly and he actually believed now that if I could change, he could to. He stated that the problems were now all on his side and that he needed to find a way to get over stuff and become loving. That being said, he remained cold with me, more than ever. It felt like he was upset that he no longer had a justification to leave and that he rejected me more for taking even that away from him.
My pastor had told me that where someone was given much grace it was because God was using them to accomplish a great work. I took it as something to be very proud of. God wanted to do a great work in Will's life and NO OTHER woman could have had the grace necessary to put up with all the pain he caused let alone remain loving and kind towards him. This encouraged me to continue, I was on a mission for God and was special and strong.
My seven year wedding anniversary was on the 16th of August and I was due to give birth on August 17th 2010. On the 6th of August, Will advises me that he has to go on an urgent business trip from the 12th to the 16th of August. I tried to persuade him to postpone it but he refused. I tried finding him cheaper flights so he didn't have to be gone for five days but that made him very upset. We were in extreme financial hardship at that point but he used the last of our credit cards to fund this trip.
Luckily, my mother arrived from out of town to help me as of the 14th of August. On this day, I received a call from Will's cell phone. When I answered, it was a woman on the other line. I asked who this was and she said "Gina". I insisted on knowing why she had my husband's cell phone and she hung up on me and turned the phone off. Either my husband had lost his phone or he was with another woman. I reasoned that he could not have been with another woman since the only time he was away from me was when he was in africa and he had been there with his "christian" brother-in-law and my boss.
I contacted the phone company to block the phone so no one would rack up a long distance bill if it was in fact stolen. I waited for Will to contact me so I could explain. But he never did. I was close to my due date yet he did not call from the hotel. He didn't even call to tell me when he was arriving on the 16th. I didn't know which hotel he was at. I remembered which airline he was flying with so I was able to obtain his arrival information. Since he never wore his wedding ring in our seven years married, I was able to have it engraved as an anniversary present. I added "Surely I will love you always" to the inside of his ring and also bought him a quality travel bag for his future trips.
I waited for him at the gate so that he would have a drive home since I knew he was so low on cash that he might not have enough for a cab. I greeted him with a hug and kiss. He was surprised and seemed happy to see me. He accepted my gifts and told me he would get me something later. Then turned cold quickly. He dropped me at home and went to the office, this being our wedding anniversary. He returned around 6pm. By then, I had started having contractions and was extremely sad. I couldn't believe how cruel he was being to me. I was due the next day, it was our anniversary and he left me all day, came back with no gift and no plans for taking me out to supper or anything.
That night, I went to bed alone as usual. He came near midnight as usual. I massaged his back for a while, then calmly asked him if I had done something wrong (just to open up the subject cause I knew I had done nothing wrong). I told him he was particularly cold with me especially considering our anniversary and my contractions. He said that he was on the defensive because he knew I would rag him out over losing his phone. I pointed out that I did no such thing. He remained cold. I cried myself to sleep on the sofa and my contractions subsided.
The next morning, I decided that to ask Will if he had decided that things were to end or if he was still hoping for a resolve. He said that he forsaw only an end in our future. I told him that there was no point then in dragging things further and increasing my suffering if he was just going to keep treating me as he has always done until he left. I started making plans to arrange for my move and set up a new future.
He stayed away from the home from morning until night. We were now the 23rd of August and I had still not given birth but I had started my contractions. I was sitting beside Will waiting to have a discussion with him while he was on a call via skype. I was playing with his cell and noticed there was a text message in his inbox. He never used texts so I decided to open it. It read: ''Love you Darling and I surely miss you.''
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