In the beginning...

In looking at my life today, it would be easy for anyone to say that things went from bad to worse over the years. Those who know even just a bit of my life shake their heads in disbelief and shock in hearing me say that I am prepared to go back to it all in devotion to God. Before I explain where I am at and what are my thoughts behind this last statement, I would like to begin by starting from the beginning of who I am.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved good and hated evil. As a child, I was excited to please people and do what was good and just. I didn't always succeed but I got better at it. I wanted to be the best daughter, the best student, the best servant of God and with time, I wanted to become the best friend, the best wife, the best mother and the best at obeying God in the little and big things.

I remember at the age of seven, during every single prayer before a meal, before bedtime or during sunday school, I would end by saying: "And please Jesus come into my heart". I wanted him in my life, I wanted to please him and I wanted to stay out of hell. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and it has proven itself true in my life. At first i feared the consequences of living in rebellion to God and his ways and eventually, I feared simply not being a blessing to his heart.

I have always held myself to high standards and never chose to excuse my bad behaviour. I think this is what has helped me grow in Christ even during extreme hardship. It is so easy to blame another or excuse ourselves, but by chosing to always strip myself down to the cold hard right or wrong in front of God, I became good at dying to self in favor of his commands and his ways.

Of all the ups and downs of my childhood, the thing I have taken with me the most were the words that my father taught me around the bible and serving God with ones full integrity. He told me once that I should not drink alcohol before the legal age of 19. He explained that if I was 18 years old and 364 days and I took even just a sip of beer, that I would technically be breaking the law of the land and that the Bible tells us to obey the law of the land.

My maturity was never in question, my possible eventual wants were not important, any future pressures of the world had to be ignored because one way was right and the other was wrong, one way lead to pleasing God, one way lead to sin. When my father would teach me like this, I would instantly commit to doing what was right with all my strength and commit to doing it joyfully. He taught me about waiting until marriage, he taught me about tithing, about dying to self, loving God, loving our neighbour, being quick to repent, trusting in God's faithfulness, believing in God's sovereignty, etc. and I loved every minute of it.

At the age of 11 I began digging into the Bible of my own volition. Every night, I would read one chapter and meditate on it even if I didn,t understand much of it. In time, it began to puzzle itself together in my mind. Having this knowledge and more understanding helped guide me more and more in life. Still had fights with my friends, gossiped, had anger issues, insecurities etc, but at the very least I knew that there was a better standard and that I had to start forcing myself to line up. Little by little I grew by making sure that my actions lined up with God's standards of righteousness but moreso that my heart, thoughts and motives did as well.

I kept growing in Christ as my love kept growing for him. All was on track, until I met my first boyfriend...