My diary entry for July 17th 2010 - Suffering

* Only the names were changed

Life is so difficult,more so than ever. I am living with a man that openly says "we don't love each other" which is an admission that he doesn't love me. From morning until night he lives as if I don't exist. For weeks now he has not touched me, hugged me or kissed me other than when he arrived from Africa. Even then, it was with minimal effort at best.

We have had a few conversations where I am pouring my heart out about how much I need for him and I to be one, etc. He stays cold throughout the entire discussions and just says that he doesn't know how to fix it, he thinks it cannot be fixed, he says I ruined his self-esteem and that he continues to live my criticism every day.

He keeps leaning towards eventual separation and has now stated that he thinks a solution to our relationship would be for him to go work in Africa for a while and travel the globe which, according to him, would enable him to build up his self- esteem and then maybe he could open up to our relationship again. He is constantly giving me hints that I would be happy in my hometown (alone) and that I would make a great mother for the children etc...

When we were initially together, I would fight with him on various issues (no compliments and affection, no help in the home, no income for 10 years, watching nudity on tv, indifference to the children and to raising them, etc..) Over the years, I have submitted to all of these ways despite disagreeing with them. I am not brainwashed. I simply decided that I could not win these battles because I cannot change his heart or motivations.I cannot appeal to his conscience or emotions because he sees the world in a very self-centered way and is justified in all his actions.

For the past few years, I have chosen my words carefully and bit my lip on countless occasions. I am convinced that I am a good wife and that no other woman could compare when it comes to what I am going through and my responses. However, I am rejected daily, hourly. I clean the house by myself, I raise Alia by myself, I make all the meals, I do the groceries, I take Alia to the park by myself, I work full-time and leave the house by 6:45 while he sleeps in until 8:00, all of this and more while 8.5 months pregnant.

Then I end up going to bed alone until he arrives hours later, at which point I give him a massage and offer sex joyously. He climbs on me, usually is rough, gets an orgasm, then he climbs off and falls asleep. I feel battered emotionally but I am trying to do what is right by God. I am crying out to him for strength and help. My ultimate goal is for us to be a unified loving couple. That is why I chose to continue to act right despite how I am being dismissed.

If I turn my back to him,then it will seal the deal on a divorce. My husband has enormous potential but his attitude is so wrong and does not line up with the Bible, Lord when will my deliverance come.